Dating in the Midwest has gifted me with giggles over late night text messages and staying out past my bedtime for “just a few more minutes”. It’s also left me in a restaurant waiting an extra thirty minutes for my careless date to arrive, obsessing over my hair, and stuck in some of the most offensive conversations.

Butterflies and bile are included in your purchase of the  “Who’s Next?” subscription. No refunds of returns, sorry about it. 

Don’t get me wrong! I enjoy being single and navigating the dating world one fabulous outfit at a time, but I also won’t lie and say, “It would totally suck to have someone to dance in a nightclub and curl up on the couch with.”

Unfortunately, my Bumble has had less buzz than a certain toy that’s in deep need of a new set of batteries these days…

“He has morals!”

…

I was wrong.

Which is why I made a poor investment and agreed to the half hearted Instagram DM invite for drinks with the finance bro that set up my business account a few months back. Fret not, he waited to ask me out until he was working at a different bank and no longer had access to all my personal and financial information; or well, that’s what I told myself because I read into the several month gap of meeting and first date as, “he has morals!”

I was wrong. 

Within thirty minutes of sitting across a sticky table in an empty bar with *Sam, I was met with a lecture on a certain pandemic (he is not a scientist in any shape or form), the never ending discussion of crypto currency (I’ll give him this one, as he is the most “finance bro” of all FB’s), and his plans to go out and party with his buddies and nose sugar following this errand “date”.

Did I suddenly teleport to Wall Street? I bet he’d probably say his spirit animal is a wolf; had I had the opportunity to ask between my new busy class schedule. 

…please let it be noted that this expectation was stated directly after speaking about our parents.

I understand we are all allowed to have opinions and interests that I may not agree with or find the same joy in, but these are not my true grievances of this date. My biggest issue is that *Sam felt it was appropriate to tell me how he expected me to style my hair…and I don’t mean curly vs straight, I mean trimmed vs shaved/waxed/lasered! He doesn’t love shaved and prefers waxed, but thinks lasered is really the way to go. (Dear reader, please let it be noted that this expectation was stated directly after speaking about our parents.) 

Looking back I wish I had responded with a catty, “And who do you expect to pay for that?” or an equally as intrusive as his initial comment, “And how might you be quaffed?” Sadly, my main character had forgotten the script and could only play a certain TikTok audio of, “the woman was too stunned to speak,” on repeat in her head. My fake smile twitched, and I excused myself to the restroom shortly after.

The date may have been a total flop, but the one good thing that came from it is that when I looked at myself in the dingy mirror of a dim lit bar bathroom I said, “You are way too smart, funny, kind, interesting, beautiful, and driven to put up with what’s sitting in ill fitting chinos and on their fourth beer out there.”

So I left.

And yeah, it was a bummer to have wasted my makeup and time on him, but it gave me a good story to tell at ladies night and a reminder that I deserve someone who doesn’t try to change me.

Ladies, all hope is not lost, because we still have fashion – and a cute fit is never going to tell you how to style your, ahem, lady bits.

On the left is the look I wore for this absolute train wreck, and on the right is what I’ll be snagging for my next (hopefully not a dive) bar date. Which are you wearing?

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P.S. The outfit collages are linked for you to shop my looks!

* Denotes a name change.